I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
