a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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