Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
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I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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