Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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