she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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