Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
