I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
