we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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