I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
