the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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