I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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