So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
