It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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