Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
