I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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