someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
