Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
