I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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