I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
