At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
