I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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