My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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