found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
