I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
