A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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