I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
