at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Ladies don't puke and tell
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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