If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
MIDGETS
????
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
