boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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