So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
