I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize