My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone shit on the floor
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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