I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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