I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
