her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
