well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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