I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
