you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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