Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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