hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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