I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
