she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
