Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
