too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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