my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
