pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i believe in u and ur pee
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
