I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
