i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
