There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
