my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just cropdusted the office
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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