Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
