You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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