the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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