The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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