Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
