Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
