If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
