u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
