I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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