I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
