Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
