my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well you can't waste a boner
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
